Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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