So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
