it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back