he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.