I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
