you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
