you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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