i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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