So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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