textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
