I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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