Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
