I think I died a long time ago.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
