I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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