OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
