Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
