thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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