When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
