I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
