If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
