You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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