Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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