a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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