so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
