he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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