Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's paint friendship bongs
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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