Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
