i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
