mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.