You're my little dorito
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
