mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
