i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
