my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
