hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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