New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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