can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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