i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
