i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
