she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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