you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
