I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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