May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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