he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
