My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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