They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
