jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
