i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
