I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i dont even know how to be here
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
