Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
