i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
