She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
