Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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