My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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