nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
