He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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