I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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