I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
