if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
