I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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