Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
