I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
"it" just moved
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
