Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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